im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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