remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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