You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i may or may not be watching the land before time
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's rum buckets o'clock
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
