bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
