I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
