when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
