I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
