I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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