YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
