whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
