it wasn't lemon gatorade
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
