I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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