my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
