im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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