fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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