I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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