hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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