So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
