do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
