I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
