playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
