Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Randomize
