mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.