I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.