Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
The only downside is I can't stop skipping