Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
