took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
