He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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