Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
