Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
