I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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