fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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