i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
