I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
one might say we're banned from that church
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
