I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
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We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's never too late to be topless.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
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It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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