I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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