one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
did i walk over a car last night?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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