She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
