Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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