dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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