I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
