I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
