i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
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i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize