i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
