Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
