Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
