We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
