the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
