Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
