**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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