If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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