I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
