I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
