pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
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So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
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He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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