I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
