defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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