You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
