Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
