alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
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I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
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