i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
