If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
if only i could text you this smell
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
