it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
